The Circle of Life - Birth

I delivered a baby today. It was nice. It’s always nice. There’s something very special about bringing a new life into the world, everyone says that, I know but it truly is.

It was a boy.

I held him in my arms for a bit and once the pleasure wore off, I couldn’t help but wonder what his life would be like. What I was delivering him into a miserable existence? What if he rues the day he was born? Would he hate me? The person who was instrumental in bringing him into the world? I would

The room became silent and the mood apprehensive. He hadn’t cried - The sign to show he was fine. His mom asked if he was alright. One of the two nurses assured her he was, while the other looked at me, waiting for me to hand him over so they can have his mouth and nose suctioned to aid breathing.

I hesitated.

What if he didn’t want to be here? What if he knows what awaits him? Why should I force life on him when clearly he does not want it.

No sooner had the thought crossed my mind when he opened his mouth and let out a loud scream. All three women laughed in relief. I handed to the nurse and watched them coo over him as they wiped him down.

His mother watched intently, tears running down her face. He was the most beautiful thing she’d had ever seen, she said. The nurses agreed.

I can’t say if his going to be a looker or not but for his sake I hope he is. The world is very cruel to the have nots.

Sitting behind my desk 30minutes later, the pleasure now completely worn off, I wondered what was wrong with me. I seem to be going through the motions and it at that moment I came to the conclusion that I was bored. Bored with life, bore with work, bored with love, bored with everything.

I need some excitement.

I need to remind myself that I am alive and the only to do that , the only way I’ve ever done was through death. . . specifically murder.