“Tell me you love me”
“I love you”
“Say it like you mean it”
“I love you”
“Do you mean it?”
“I do”
The tears! Ye gods, the tears. . . hate the tears; can’t stand ‘em. I can’t understand the need for it. It’s just words, words they aren’t meant to have the same effect like say getting hit with over the head with a baseball bat. . . well, maybe not a baseball bat over the head but something painful.
I wait for the tears to stop. . . just ride it out I tell myself. It’s gonna stop eventually, I mean, it has to, right? I’ve never heard of anyone crying none stop and I know that’s the kinda thing that will make headline, just like that girl from last year who couldn’t stop hiccupping, now that was just all sorts of weird!
Okay, the tears are stopping! I understand loving and being loved in return is special, I know there are people out there desperately searching for what I have. . . .believe me I do. I just don’t think if this people know exactly what love does to you, they’d be seeking it out. Love makes you vulnerable.
“What do want to do tonight?”
“I don’t know. . . anything you want”
Do you see what I’m saying? Suddenly this adult person, who under normal circumstances should be making decisions, becomes the most indecisive person. Love makes you confused.
“You know what. . . Let’s do something you want to do for a change”
“I don’t know. . .you pick”
“Jesus fuc. . . "
“What? Are you. . . are you mad at me?”
“I’m not. I’m not!” deep breath “I just want you. . . us to do something you’ll enjoy”
“But I enjoy doing anything you. . .
“No!” pause “Listen to me baby, I. . . never mind. I guess we’ll just stay in”
Now the feeling of guilt kicks in. . . you’ve done something to upset the other person. You don’t mean to but guess what. . .it happens. That’s another thing about love, no matter what you do, people still get hurt. There is this carefulness, walking on egg shells around the other person that I find really annoying.
“God! I love you so much! I can’t imagine my life without you. I always ask myself how I managed all those years not having you”
“We didn’t know each other all those yes”
“I know that! I’m just saying you are my world. How suddenly everything makes sense”
“Baby. . . I can’t be your. . . “
“But you are! Sometimes, I lie awake watching you sleep, your chest going up and down and your heart pumping away, the source of your life and I wish I was in you. . . your heart.”
Okay I don’t need to tell you how fucked up that sounds right? You have to be really fucked in the head not to see how sick that is. . . but wrapped up in love, it comes out sweet.
“Baby, don’t say things like that”
“But it’s true. You know what else I wish for?”
“Wha. . .” Swallows “What?”
“Sometimes I wish everyone around us will just disappear. My friends, your friends, our parent, everyone”
“Wh. . . why would you want them to disappear?”
“So we can be alone together, no one to interrupt us. I hate it when you have to leave. I can’t bear for you to be out of my sight. You know when you’re not with me, I almost feel like. . .like I can’t breath.”
“You can’t brea. . . “
“That’s why I follow you”
“What?!!”
“Yeah, I drive behind you. Like, yesterday when you. . .
“You followed. . . you follow me?
“Yeah. . .”
“Are you fucking cra. . . Why would you do that?”
“I love you”
Love it makes okay to say sick bullshit.
“ I. . . I don’t think I can do this anymore”
“Do what?
“This. . .this whole thing. Do you hear yourself?”
“I. . . I don’t understand”
No surprise there! In addition to becoming a mindless zombie, acting like a brainless brat, Love also turns the simplest things into advanced Physics.
“Tell me what you mean”
Advance, Advanced Physics
“This makes no sense to me”
Super, Duper Advanced Physics.
“I’m saying it’s over”
“No!”
Oh God, here comes the tears. . . at least this time the reason for it is valid
“I’m sorry”
“You just said you loved me! You said it right here. . . “
“I do! I mean yeah. . . .but I. . .”
“Tell me what to do. I can change. I will change. I will be anything you want me to be, just don’t leave me please!”
Alright, let’s pause for a moment and think this through. From the moment you are born, your goal is to be your own person. That’s why when you were 2, you screamed “No, I’ll do it myself” at your mother when she tried to correct the shoes you wore wrongly. It’s why at 10, you made sure your dad added an extra headlight on the roof of the cardboard car he built for you. Sure, it made no sense but you stood your ground “This is what I want daddy” you asserted when he tried to change your mind. Remember the college decision? The ‘rents wanted you to go their Alma Mata but you wanted something else and you fought for it. Every single decision, every single step was leading to the moment when you can finally stand tall and proudly declare “I am my own person”. . . .then you fall in love and everything else goes poof!
“I do anything for you. Is there someone else?”
“No! This has nothing to. . .let go of me!”
“Please, baby please. . . I’ll die without you”
“Stop it! Just stop it!
“I’ll be anything for you, just tell me what, Please! I love you! We’re meant to be together”
“Jesus! Let go of me! You are fucking INSANE!”
And there it is! Love defined. Insanity! That is exactly what Love is.
“Oh my God! What have I done? What. . . What am I doing?!”
I have to get out of this dark abyss or I’ll end up doing something. . . something I’m gonna regret for the rest of my life.
I release him immediately and take a step back. He grabs his shoes, shirts, pants. . . removing all the traces of himself from my life, obviously eager to get as far away a possible from the raving, possessive and jealous lunatic I have become. . . in the name of love.
“Stay the fuck away from me or I’ll have you arrested” He walked out and slammed the door.
Naked, I sit on the edge of the bed, my heart racing. . . he will never know what a huge favor he just did me.
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